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Posts from the ‘Wildcard’ Category

Men Are Like Cars and I Need a Man-Up

I believe men are like cars and if that’s true then I’m a 1971 baby blue Dodge Dart with a Slant-6 engine, aka the 1971 Donut Monday Man. I’m not the fastest or the prettiest but I rarely break down and we both consume large quantities of semi flammable liquids, typically on the weekends. Also like cars, you never really know what exactly will break down once you put more than a few clicks on the highway of life. I’m 41 so in the car vernacular my odometer meter just passed the 60K mark. The warranty has long since expired but as long as you keep up the maintenance this baby has alot of good years left in him. Yet no matter what you do there are some rather quirky things that come up over time that you don’t anticipate having to deal with, whether you’re talking about a middle aged car or a middle aged man. For instance.

Cars sometimes get oil leaks.

The 1971 Donut Monday Man now experiences the occasional pee leaks. I attribute this directly to a flaw in the overall design of the 1971 Donut Monday Man related to the bladder storage tank. It was made too small. My capacity to hold pee never achieved higher than a 3 year old toddler’s output and that’s a problem after drink #3 on a hot summer day. This widely known design flaw of the 1971 Donut Monday man is well known to the point that my friends and family commonly call me “thimble”. I’m the annoying guy in the window seat on the airplane that has to get up 4 times for a 2 hour flight. Since that time I insist on seats next to the aisle in movie theaters and sporting events and even then I end up missing key plot lines and grand slams, especially if the beer if flowing that day. I break out in a sweat at the mention of a night out on a party bus. I want to buy one of those discreetly hidden urine containers you wear under your pants but my wife is worried about a possible breach while she’s sitting next to me. Frankly I don’t blame her.

Cars sometimes have computer glitches, especially newer cars made recently. Stuff like initiating your left turn blinker and the car seat warmer kicks on. Let me tell you that’s fun in July.

The 1971 Donut Monday Man’s pinkie fingers sometimes fall asleep at night when I sleep on my back. Ummmm…WTF? I know! The first time it happened I woke up in a panic and thought I was having a stroke, and a lazy one at that. Turns out that was wrong but hence forth the phenomenon is now lovingly referred to as Stroke Pinkie. How and why this only affects my pinkie fingers I don’t know but the concentrated affect must not be enough to wake me up immediately as when I do finally come to it feels like I have 2 slabs of dead baby finger meat on both hands. I imagine hours of no blood circulating to the body part I rank #24 of most important body parts I don’t want to turn black from lack of circulation and fall off my body, ranked just before my ear lobes and 4 ranking spots higher than bottom lip. I imagine a life much less fulfilling where the loss of my pinkies would mean I can no longer give a proper Shaka sign, rock out at hard metal concerts and my Vulcan Salute would forever be off balance. The only solace I could take from the tiniest of dismemberment is that my nail clipping output would instantly be reduced by 20%. My wife sees this as a strong upside so its unclear how unhappy she would be if a woke up pinkieless. Similar to thimbleitis, this strange phenomenon has also become common knowledge in my family to the extent the term is now used as a weapon in day to day teasing. “You throw a ball like you have Stroke Pinkie!”

Cars, especially those exposed to harsh Canadian winters, are susceptible to rust.

The 1971 Donut Monday Man, also exposed to harsh Canadian winters during his earlier years gets the occasional toe fungus. Let me tell you even my best power moves to put Mrs Donut Monday in the mood for frolicking (typically cash payments) can be undone in an instant if she gets a glimpse of those bad boys. I’m thinking this fungal issue may be linked to the fact that I have yet to get around to wash any of my hockey gear, skates included since sometime in the late 90’s but I can’t be absolutely sure. The doctor offered to prescribe an antibiotic but it meant I would have to give up drinking during the treatment and I couldn’t quite figure out what I’d do with the extra 2 hours every day I would not be in the bathroom peeing.

Cars batteries can sometimes go dead.

The 1971 Donut Monday Man 190 lb burger injected body is lucky to get 6 straight hours a night in the parking garage of life. How is it that the older you get the harder it is to sleep though the night? I heard it but never believed it until recently. I chalk it up to constant years of waking up due to  pee outs, night feedings, barfing, crying and the sometimes even my kids wake me up. And yet during the day I not only crave but need a power nap which I can take just about anywhere. At my desk, At the movies, virtually every Raiders game. But my favorite place now is the car. It’s not unusual for my wife to send me out for a quick grocery run and I return 2 hours later very refreshed and full of vigor sporting dry drool from a slumber fest in the SUV parked in front of the Safeway. Because of this I’m now no longer allowed to grocery shop without supervision.

Cars sometimes get flat tires.

The 1971 Donut Monday Man has yet to experience that phenomenon 🙂