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My Diaper Death March

Mountain climbers occasionally experience the phenomenon of the false peak, topographical oddities that seemingly indicate that a summit has been reached when in fact the journey has not yet been completed. August of last year I experienced my false peak on the journey to a diaper free lifestyle. All indications and preparations were made for a full transition on his 3rd birthday, similar to his older brother who “summitted” on his own in a similar fashion at that age. Down to the last oxygen tank and near exhaustion I soldiered on, counting down the number of diapers I had left to change a full 30 days prior and not letting any poop blowouts dampen my spirit. But the 3rd birthday came and went I realized I had experienced a false peak. Dejected, I sat down, ripped open a Cliff bar and prepared myself for a seemingly endless Pampers driven life. This was my Vietnam.

Fast forward 7 months and I have finally conquered that mountain. A single tear from my face hit the ground at the exact same moment my son’s first poop on the potty made the splash down, unclear if it was caused from an overwhelming joy that I had finally reached my summit or laughter seeing the uneasy look on my boy’s face as things were falling out of his bum. This uncertainty has quickly turned to pride as he always makes a point now to fully admire his work before flushing.

Since I have graduated into a diaper free lifestyle, I have pledged to never change one ever again. My father called recently to congratulate me on my decision but noting that that it took him about 3000 less diapers before he found his own enlightenment. Easy to say in 1971. That said I’m not jaded and I have chosen to use my powers only for the good. I happily pass on my diaper changing expertise to less fortunate male souls who are still completing their own death march though I do it Mad Men style, with a high ball of scotch in one hand while I tell you why your changing technique is all wrong. Flaps out boys…always out.

They say kids grow up too fast but this was one milestone that could not come fast enough for me. Please give a moment of silence for my personal sherpa – the diaper bin that now sits at the the end of my driveway with the biggest FREE sign I could find. Time to pass him on to another weary mountaineer.

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